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Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson #1:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with Nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the Tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson #2:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson #3:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson #4:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Costello: Hey,
Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I
just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A
Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But
I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello:
That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I
heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello:
Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh
huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am
having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful
how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So,
here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I
do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No,
I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait
a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to
do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello:
When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why
should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I
press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I
knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.
Costello:
Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello:
Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You
don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then
say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello:
Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello:
Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop
button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their
right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And
you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'M
being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this
conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
The
Original Murphy's Law:
"If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can
result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."
The traditional version of Murphy's Law ("anything that can go wrong, will") is actually "Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives."
Murphy's Corollary:
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry.
Manly's Maxim:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need
of checking, is the mistake. (Linda's Observation: The same is true in
proofreading.)
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Gumperson's Law:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:
Nothing ever goes away.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Second Law of Revision:
The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence
will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn. (Linda's Observation:
This is also true in writing documentation and desktop publishing.)
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached
their level of incompetence.
Changes
to the English Language
The
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be
the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted
a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro- English".
In
the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the
'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards
There
will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph'
will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20%
shorter! In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
By
the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z'
and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.
Zen
Z
Act naturally ... Found Missing ... Resident alien ... Advanced BASIC
... Genuine imitation ... safe sex ... Airline food ... Good grief ... Same difference ... Almost exactly ... Government organization ... Sanitary landfill
... Alone together ... Legally drunk ... Silent scream ... British fashion ... Living dead ... Small crowd ... Business ethics ... Microsoft Works ... Soft rock ... Butt head ... Military intelligence ... Software documentation ... California culture ... New classic ... Sweet sorrow ... Childproof ... Now, then ... Synthetic natural gas ... Christian Scientists ... Passive aggression ... Taped live ... Clearly misunderstood ... Peace force ... Temporary tax increase ... Computer jock ... Plastic glasses ... Terribly pleased ... Computer security ... Political science ... Tight slacks ... Definite maybe ... Pretty ugly ... Twelve ounce pound cake ... Diet ice cream ... Rap music ... Working vacation ... Exact estimate.
Installing Love
Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install
now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open
your HEART. Have you located your
HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there
are several programs running right
now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have
PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE,
GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will
automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from
you current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but
it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE.
However, you have to completely
turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM.
Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you
turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your
Start menu and invoke
FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and
RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE
has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should
receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that
you have only the base program. You
need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412
- PROGRAM WILL NOT RUN ON INTERNAL
COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's
a common problem. It means that the
LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been
run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but
in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine
before
it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on
the following files and then copy
them to the MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT,
REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any
conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you
need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your
recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes
back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART
is filling up with really neat
files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all
over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed
and running. You should be able to
handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules
to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and
they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
The Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner:
This is kind of long, I know, but I assure you well worth reading!!!
Nov 28:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?
Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on the invoice.
Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything. Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing...
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 50 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer
concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the dishwasher.
Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycle up and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Through- out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one of them tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him.
